Who Were We Talking About Again?

I've really learned a lot about myself this year - both good and bad.  By experiencing the way people have reacted to my news, I've come to realize I used to do something that, though I thought it was helpful, was actually the exact opposite.  

Since word has been out about my diagnosis, we've noticed many people taking that opportunity to tell us all about their own experiences with cancer, be it cancer that they've had, or their aunt, their cousin, a friend of a friend, breast cancer, liver cancer, colon cancer, stage 0 through stage 3.  The stories for some reason come from people we really never talk to outside of Facebook and work - acquaintances and distant family members.  "I'm sorry to hear that you have cancer.  Oh, I'm sure everything will be fine.  You know, I went through cancer a few years ago...." They were full of suggestions of what to do and what not to do.  What they were sure to eat, how much rest they got, what they went through on chemo, what issues they had with their medical bills.  They were full of anecdotal stories and "advice", but that's not what we wanted.

I'm sure this sounds completely selfish, but frankly, this is our story - not theirs.  

I am very happy for you that when you had breast cancer, Stage 1, you had a tiny lump removed and you were fine.  Truly, I'm glad you are now happy and healthy.  Unfortunately I'm not quite so fortunate and have months of treatments to go through in the hopes that nothing has spread.  I'm sorry to hear that your aunt was just diagnosed with breast cancer for the second time because they apparently didn't get it all the first time.  I hope she is able to make it through once again as she did before.  However, this is not a story I want to hear when I'm trying to remain positive that this will be my one and only brush with the disease. You have now shifted the conversation from what started out as "concern" about my diagnosis to me telling you I'm sorry, and it seems as though you didn't really care much about me in the first place, but just wanted me to hear what happened to you.

I have been guilty of this so many times in the past and I look back on it now and cringe.  I did it to try to relate to the person I was talking to and maybe offer up some words of wisdom to make them feel better. Hey, I've been in a similar situation and here's a story to tell you that very thing with some advice you may or may not want or need.  What I should have been saying was I'm sorry you're going through this. Is there anything I can do for you?  Maybe a few weeks later I could chime in with a You know, I have been through something similar, so if you ever have any questions or need to talk, let me know - I'm here.  I wouldn't have been forcing my story or "advice" on them, and instead would leave it up to them as to whether or not they wanted to hear it.  I'm guessing that most of the time they wouldn't.  This will be something I take away from this experience.

Oh!  On a similar note, if someone is going through a rough patch and decides to vent a bit either to you or on Facebook, they're not necessarily looking for a solution.  They want to be heard.  They want their frustrations acknowledged.  They want support.  They're most likely trying everything they know in order to get themselves out of the situation and your advice makes it seem like you don't think they know what they're doing.  Give them a hug if you're close.  Make them feel like they're hugged if you're far away.  Just be there, listen, be a friend.