Playing the Waiting Game with the What If Monster

I had my 6-month scans on Friday. A mammogram and a CT scan, both quick and easy (much unlike my time at the mall in Milwaukee in-between visits), and I was done.  Results to be learned at my doctor's appointment on Tuesday afternoon.

I didn't think too much about them over the weekend, which is amazing considering I really didn't do anything over the weekend other than apply for a job or two with my rear end firmly planted in my recliner.  Today is a different story though.

Today the What If Monster has reared his ugly head again. You know, I really wish I knew how to kill this guy - or at least subdue him. I've tried using logic, knowing that it's only been 6 months since I ended chemo, I've been on tamoxifen since September which is even more effective in suppressing the cancer than the chemo. There's no reason why anything new should pop up. I know this, but I'm still anxious.

I guess it's that dang CT scan. When I first had it done, there were two tiny things that popped up that the doctors weren't concerned about. One was a tiny triangular spot on my lung, that they determined at the time was some sort of scarring. From what, I don't know, but they didn't think it was anything bad. Another was a small something on my liver. Again, they gathered that it was something like a cyst or something similar and nothing dangerous. All of my doctors saw the results, told me not to worry about them because CT scans show EVERYTHING whether it's bad or not, and said we'd only have to look at them two more times down the road just to make sure.

Enter the What If Monster...

I didn't realize this was a real thing.
It's a children's book. Maybe I need it.

Just to make sure? Aren't you sure now? What if they came to the wrong conclusion? What if it turns out that spot on my lung was really cancer? What if the whatever it is on my liver turns out to be something worse than a cyst? What if the cancer ended up spreading and now I only have a year to live?

OH MY GOD, SHUT UP!!!!

Is it always going to be like this? Every time I'm waiting for test results? I can't live like this - with this anxiety every time I'm uncertain about something. I think the fact that I was so sure that I was fine around this time last year only to find out how wrong I really was has turned me against my own sense of reason. Am I going to be dwelling on this until tomorrow at 4pm? Maybe I should just shut myself in a room away from other people until then.

Can someone please kill this monster - or fix my brain?

Give Me A D!

Well, I finally decided it was time, and thanks to Victoria's Secret's helpful bra-fitting tool, measured myself to get a new bra.  Men of the world, rejoice! You've got another woman in the world who wears a D cup. Now I just have to get used to wearing one of these for over 8 hours a day again.

Who Won?

I'm sure you're all just dying to know if the sloth or the beast came out this morning.

I'm happy to say, it was the beast!

Well, not a very vicious beast. Kind of a slow, lumbering beast.

Like a panda...with a serious case of bead head.

Sloth Mode

I ain't no size two either, Meghan.

Okay, I've been cleared for exercise.  I am soooo happy because all of this extra poundage has got to go.  This is just about the heaviest I've ever been.  No bones about it, I am fat.

Hoooooo!

People can look at me and tell me I'm not, and it's nice of them to want to make me feel better, but I'm not fishing for compliments. I know the numbers on the scale and the size of my pants.  I know I've gained a huge amount of weight over this year and now I know it's time to take it off.

There's only one problem.

Sloth Mode

It's December, it's cold, it's always dark outside.  I have no energy and I just want to sleep. 

Oh, I started out with a bang. I exercised 3 out of the 4 mornings that I was on my excursion to Texas. I was on a treadmill and I honestly didn't mind because the surroundings were new. Sure, I felt a little intimidated when members of a college football team were in there at the same time, but I was finally back at it and it felt great!

My friend, the Texas treadmill

So, I decided that when I got back from Texas, I'd start getting up at 5am again and start doing FocusT25 again to kick my own ass.  Yup - me and Shaun T were gonna be morning buddies again.

My friend, Shaun T

And then the morning came and the 5:00 alarm went off and I turned it off and rolled over and went back to sleep.  Fail #1. When I did finally get up, I resolved to hop on the treadmill when I got home from work to at least do something.  And I did.  It was sad and pathetic, but I did. And I swore that I'd get up and start Focus T25 the next morning (today).

And then the morning came and my alarm didn't go off. Fail #2. (We spilled water on it yesterday.  We thought it was fine, but...guess not.) So I've resolved to get on the treadmill when I get home from work to at least do something.

I'm wondering how long this trend will go on.  I can't let it. I have to get from Sloth Mode into Beast Mode pronto or I will have no right to complain.  At. All.

Errr.... More along the lines of this:

Tomorrow, I resolve to get up at 5:00 am and hang out with my friend, Shaun T. I will be cold, I will be tired, but I will get up and sweat and swear at my out-of-shape body and it will be glorious because I will know that I'm actually doing something again.

I'll let you know if the beast or the sloth shows up in the morning.

Random 14

I never thought I'd actually be happy about putting on an underwire bra again.  It's on, but it certainly doesn't fit right.  Looks like my next purchase will be a new over the shoulder boulder holder.

This Is My Jam*

Yet another post lifted from my other blog.  I swear I'm not lazy.  Sometimes they just work on both.

I first heard this song back when Thor came out on DVD.  (I never went to see the first one in the theater because it didn't interest me.  Ha!  How times have changed.)

The quality of this video is terrible.  And it's slowed down. I apologize, but I can't seem to find any others on the interwebs.
Not long after that, I ended up downloading Wasting Light because I was in desperate need of new music and though I'd never really considered myself a Foo Fighters fan before, I didn't really mind them.  As the album became part of my running playlist, and I listened to it more and more, it (along with the rest of the band's music) really grew on me.  But this song always stuck out and it was one of my favorites. 
Fast forward to this year.  
There are certain songs that I can identify with certain phases of this carcinoma adventure.  I still can't listen to Pharrell's Happy without feeling nauseous.  I hear Katy Perry's Roar and think of the car ride to the hospital on mastectomy day.  But this song...let me give you a scene.
It was about a month after my mastectomy and I could finally start getting some exercise.  Nothing too major yet - I had to ease my way back into physical activity.  I was still bouncing back from everything my body had been through, chemo, fatigue, weight gain, major surgery, having my pectoral muscle re-attached over a foreign object, physical therapy.  I decided at least I could start by walking my old jogging route.  I put on my running shoes, cued up my old running playlist and headed out.
It felt good to be out there getting fresh air again, feeling like I was doing something good for myself.  About 15 minutes into my walk, this song came on, and though I'd heard it hundreds of times before, the lyrics hit me differently.  A smile came over my face and my pace increased.  And then it hit this part:

You keep alive a moment at a time

But still inside a whisper to a riot

To sacrifice but knowing to survive

That first decline another state of mind

I'm on my knees, I'm praying for a sign

Forever, whenever

I never wanna die

I never wanna die

I never wanna die

I'm on my knees

I never wanna die

I'm dancing on my grave

And running through the fire

Forever, whatever

I never wanna die

I never wanna leave

I'll never say goodbye

Forever

Whatever!

Forever

Whatever!!

I was still smiling, I was still walking fast, but now tears were streaming down my cheeks.  That's when it hit me that this was exactly what I was living.  This was the song that would always remind me of getting back up after the crap that I'd been through.  This was me not being complacent, not feeling sorry for myself, but moving forward, doing what I can to keep myself healthy, living my life as fully as I can, and being the best person I can be in the time I have left in this life - be it ten years or forty.
This, my friends, is why this song that many people feel has been tremendously overplayed means the world to me.  
And the fact that it's in Thor doesn't hurt.




*I am so sorry to use that phrase, but now you understand why.

Just Look at the Flowers...

I lifted this post from my other blog.  Don't hold it against me...

I haven't really been in the mood to take selfies lately since the few times I've tried, I've looked incredibly large or old in them. (It's basically the only way people can see updated pictures of me since I'm the only one in the household who takes pictures and I don't go out for others to take pictures of me. It's a fun life I lead.)  People have been wondering what stage my hair is in now.

Well, last night I discovered that my hair is now like Carol's in The Walking Dead.  Actually, my son had mentioned it weeks ago, but it didn't really register until I saw the show last night (she was actually in it again) and I saw these little whispy hair things on the back of her head.

I have those whispy things too!  (Perhaps that means I'll have some sort of a wave in my hair now?) I think her hair is just a smidge longer than mine is right now, eh...maybe not, but anyway it's pretty dang similar...except mine is blond, not grey.  And mine's not quite as messy up top, but maybe I'll have to figure out how to do that, 'cause I kinda like it.

Too bad it's not Halloween - I'd have the perfect costume.  I could be "Chubby Carol"!

And I could be totally badass and go around telling people to "Look at the flowers..."

Sorry - if you don't watch The Walking Dead, you have no clue what I'm talking about.  

It might be better that way.