This Is My Jam*

Yet another post lifted from my other blog.  I swear I'm not lazy.  Sometimes they just work on both.

I first heard this song back when Thor came out on DVD.  (I never went to see the first one in the theater because it didn't interest me.  Ha!  How times have changed.)

The quality of this video is terrible.  And it's slowed down. I apologize, but I can't seem to find any others on the interwebs.
Not long after that, I ended up downloading Wasting Light because I was in desperate need of new music and though I'd never really considered myself a Foo Fighters fan before, I didn't really mind them.  As the album became part of my running playlist, and I listened to it more and more, it (along with the rest of the band's music) really grew on me.  But this song always stuck out and it was one of my favorites. 
Fast forward to this year.  
There are certain songs that I can identify with certain phases of this carcinoma adventure.  I still can't listen to Pharrell's Happy without feeling nauseous.  I hear Katy Perry's Roar and think of the car ride to the hospital on mastectomy day.  But this song...let me give you a scene.
It was about a month after my mastectomy and I could finally start getting some exercise.  Nothing too major yet - I had to ease my way back into physical activity.  I was still bouncing back from everything my body had been through, chemo, fatigue, weight gain, major surgery, having my pectoral muscle re-attached over a foreign object, physical therapy.  I decided at least I could start by walking my old jogging route.  I put on my running shoes, cued up my old running playlist and headed out.
It felt good to be out there getting fresh air again, feeling like I was doing something good for myself.  About 15 minutes into my walk, this song came on, and though I'd heard it hundreds of times before, the lyrics hit me differently.  A smile came over my face and my pace increased.  And then it hit this part:

You keep alive a moment at a time

But still inside a whisper to a riot

To sacrifice but knowing to survive

That first decline another state of mind

I'm on my knees, I'm praying for a sign

Forever, whenever

I never wanna die

I never wanna die

I never wanna die

I'm on my knees

I never wanna die

I'm dancing on my grave

And running through the fire

Forever, whatever

I never wanna die

I never wanna leave

I'll never say goodbye

Forever

Whatever!

Forever

Whatever!!

I was still smiling, I was still walking fast, but now tears were streaming down my cheeks.  That's when it hit me that this was exactly what I was living.  This was the song that would always remind me of getting back up after the crap that I'd been through.  This was me not being complacent, not feeling sorry for myself, but moving forward, doing what I can to keep myself healthy, living my life as fully as I can, and being the best person I can be in the time I have left in this life - be it ten years or forty.
This, my friends, is why this song that many people feel has been tremendously overplayed means the world to me.  
And the fact that it's in Thor doesn't hurt.




*I am so sorry to use that phrase, but now you understand why.

Just Look at the Flowers...

I lifted this post from my other blog.  Don't hold it against me...

I haven't really been in the mood to take selfies lately since the few times I've tried, I've looked incredibly large or old in them. (It's basically the only way people can see updated pictures of me since I'm the only one in the household who takes pictures and I don't go out for others to take pictures of me. It's a fun life I lead.)  People have been wondering what stage my hair is in now.

Well, last night I discovered that my hair is now like Carol's in The Walking Dead.  Actually, my son had mentioned it weeks ago, but it didn't really register until I saw the show last night (she was actually in it again) and I saw these little whispy hair things on the back of her head.

I have those whispy things too!  (Perhaps that means I'll have some sort of a wave in my hair now?) I think her hair is just a smidge longer than mine is right now, eh...maybe not, but anyway it's pretty dang similar...except mine is blond, not grey.  And mine's not quite as messy up top, but maybe I'll have to figure out how to do that, 'cause I kinda like it.

Too bad it's not Halloween - I'd have the perfect costume.  I could be "Chubby Carol"!

And I could be totally badass and go around telling people to "Look at the flowers..."

Sorry - if you don't watch The Walking Dead, you have no clue what I'm talking about.  

It might be better that way.

Random 13

As I was applying my lip gloss this morning, I had to start laughing.  Why?  Because this lip gloss was given to me by my plastic surgeon's office.  They throw it in your pre-op bag as a little treat, so basically you come home from your pre-op visit with a bag that contains anti-bacterial cleansing cloths to use for two days before your surgery (helps prevent infection), a million sheets of instructions and warnings, lanyards for any drains you might end up having afterwards (yuck), a tracking sheet for said drains (double-yuck), and a tube of lip gloss so you can feel pretty despite stitches, swelling, drains and drugs.

Uhhhh....thanks?

An Open Letter to My Brain

Dear Cerebrum,

What exactly are you trying to do to me?  While I understand that we can't really exercise the rest of the body right now and it's driving us crazy, it doesn't mean that you can start running faster and faster thereby making me start overthinking things and creating potential life-threatening dramas where there are none.

Don't act like you don't know what I'm talking about.  You made my day yesterday absolutely terrible for a while.  I get that it was a boring day and you needed something to do, but you shouldn't play with me like that.  Not only was I feeling stuck in my job and feeling fat and unattractive, you had to go and make me start getting worried about nothing.  You made me cry.  At work.  Unacceptable!

A lymph node in my neck that's been barely swollen for weeks was the molehill at the base of the mountain of craziness you created.  For some reason you decided that it sounded like a good subject to run with, and boy did you run in overdrive.  The ideas you were feeding me were so freaking ridiculous, but somehow you jumped over that logic hurdle and kept sprinting.  You told me that the gland was about three sizes bigger than it actually was, that it meant it was obviously full of cancer and it was spreading to my brain.  Once that hit I'd only have a year, tops.  I wouldn't see my son graduate high school.  He'd have to somehow struggle through the rest of his school career after a huge loss.  Would he be able to do it? And on, and on and on.....

It got so bad that I actually ended up calling my doctor to see it I should get it looked at.  Seriously!  You told me that I had brushed off the lumps that were in my breast as cysts for months before I called a doctor and look how that worked out for me, and how you don't want that to happen again, do you?  When I called them, I even said It's probably nothing but...  They were so sweet and agreed that it was probably nothing, but to come in to be 100% sure.  Right after I made the appointment, I was about to call back and cancel right away, but then you started running again and I made the decision to go just to make you stop!

I got up this morning and, though once again tempted to call and cancel today's appointment, I kept it to make sure that you wouldn't start in again.  (I guess I should stop here and thank you for letting me sleep the past few nights.  It's been greatly appreciated.)  I drove to the doctor's shaking my head and laughing at myself for letting you get me going this much, but I continued on.  When the nurse got me all checked in, I told her that it was crazy for me to even be there, but she said that she couldn't blame me after what I've been through.  Once the NP came in, I told her that I was going to call and cancel my appointment, but she reassured me that this is what they're there for.  After she examined my neck, she told me the following:

It feels like a lymph node.  A perfectly normal lymph node.

I apologized profusely for wasting her time, but she reassured me that they rely on us to know when we have any changes in our bodies or concerns, and that this early on I'm going to be a little jumpy, but it will fade away as time goes on.  She told me what to look for and what's normal/what's not, so that you don't have as much power over me.

So, there you have it, grey matter of mine.  You're going to be on a leash from now on.  A short one.  And once you start running too far away from me, I'm going to be pulling you back in.

Consider yourself warned.

Your person,
Rebecca

Post-Surgery Instructions

I meant to post these a while ago, but never got around to it.  (Okay, I guess surgery wasn't that long ago now that I think about it, but still...)

I was given a list of restrictions and a whole bunch of Don'ts when they shooed me out of the hospital a couple of weeks ago.  Some are stellar...

• Do NOT drive a car for 24 hours or as long as you are taking pain medications.  Well, duh.  This one is a no-brainer, right?
• Do NOT take part in activities requiring coordination or judgement for 24 hours (using lawn mowers, power tools, stoves, food processors, etc)  I apparently glossed over this one on the sheet as I realized that I had forgotten to turn the burner off after making my dinner that night.  Oops.
• Do NOT make important decisions for 48 hours (signing contracts, wills, etc) Because the first thing you want to do after coming out of surgery is write that will you've been putting off for decades.
• Go directly home and have a responsible adult available to help you.  What is considered a "responsible" adult is probably up for some debate.  And anyway - I wanted to go from the hospital to the lawyer's do draft my will, then mow my neighbor's lawn and build a shelving unit.  Who needs rest? Who needs help?!  I'm on drugs and I feel invincible!!!

New Sensation

The expander is out and the implant is in!  Woohoo!

Thursday's surgery went very well.  The plastic surgeon told Chris everything went perfectly.  They might still have to do some fat grafting after all the swelling goes down and things shift into their permanent positions, but that would be done at the same time the augmentation of the other breast happens - in a few months.  But no drains and no compression because they didn't do the fat graft means an easy recovery for me.  (Okay, I had a bit of mild disappointment that he didn't do the fat graft because he was going to take from my belly and "make it worth my while".  Oh well, I'm just meant to work this fat off naturally.)

Now I'm sitting here in a really tight surgical bra that I'm supposed to wear 24/7 (except for showering) for the next 6 weeks.  I'm afraid this thing is going to become a part of me by then.  At least it's not as hideous as those nasty camisoles I had to wear after the mastectomy.

The thing that's making me smile though is that now it's a breast again.  It's not just some hard dome of flesh that's sitting on my chest, this is soft and pliable and it jiggles when I move.  Funny thing is that I got so used to the under-armor of the expander that the movement is actually a new sensation that I have to get used to again.

Oh, I'm not complaining.  Not at all!