*Sigh* It had to be done.
It only took about 45 minutes or so and I haven't actually seen it yet because it's all bandaged up, but it's there. Didn't really hurt either. (Bonus when your nerves are gone - though there were times where I'm like, "Oh! I seem to have a nerve there! That's not the most pleasant sensation in the world.")
I am dooooone! Well, other than my follow up appointments with my doctors every three freaking months, but no more procedures anyway. Huzzah!
Let's see - what else can I go into about 2015?
July 30 marked my one-year anniversary. Woohoo! It was celebrated with bagels at work, a beverage at home, and silent sobbing in bed. Eh - it was a bit emotional.
Life post-cancer has been okay. I heard many times that life after breast cancer is actually even harder. I never understood that until now. There's paranoia that you have to live with, and when you are easily affected by suggestion, it can make things worse. How do I explain? Oh, the what-if monster! That asshole is constantly around. I think I feel a lymph node and I freak. I have tiny pains in my neck and I freak. I cough and I freak. This does dissipate with time, but time isn't moving as fast as I would like it to in this case.
It doesn't help that my surgeon scolded me for not having radiation when I saw her back in February. (She seemed to have forgotten that she was recommending me for a clinical trial where I had a 50/50 chance of not getting it anyway.) I was feeling good about things and then she set me into instant anxiety mode. I couldn't sleep for days. I couldn't remember why I had made the decision I did and was sure I had written my own death sentence. Thankfully, after talking to my oncologist, he reassured me that I had gotten the information first, made an informed decision, and it was nothing to lose sleep over. "People tend to throw everything they can at it without worrying about the side effects, and is it really worth it? Who knows what the standard of care in cases like yours will be down the road. I really think you're going to be fine, and if not, we deal with it then." Phew! I love this guy. (I just saw my surgeon again today and she was more pleasant...thankfully.)
Medical bills are another bummer for 2015. We're doing what we can, but what we can isn't what they want. It just makes no sense. I get through this crap and I can't even enjoy life as much as I'd like to because we don't have the money needed since we have to pay for me getting through the crap. It's a circle of ick! Oh, and my insurance decided that the genetic testing I had done is still considered "experimental" so they're not going to pay for it. No biggie - it only cost $7500.
My oncologist was unfortunately correct about weight loss while on tamoxifen. It's almost impossible. I hate it. I feel so fat and old. I'm exercising at the spa at work a couple of times a week, run when the weather allows on the weekends, and cut out almost all refined sugars (I've never eaten so many leafy greens in my life!), but I've only dropped 5 pounds. Nowhere near the 20 I'm hoping to get rid of. Today I learned I have to cut my calories basically in half in order to make any progress. This should be fun. Damn you, metabolism of a 70-year-old!!
I'm still trying to figure out what to do with all of this. I keep trying to think of my "big thing" to help other people, but the ideas I come up with aren't feasible. This crap I went through will not be for nothing, dammit!
So, yeah, that's where I am now. I know it doesn't sound that great, but this stuff just comes up every once in a while. For the most part, it's life as normal. Work, family, trying to have fun, and all that jazz.
Thanks again for everything. Y'all are the best!
Okay, blog...back to the vault!
