Blobfish

This is a blobfish.

(Yes, it's a real thing.)

This sad-looking creature seems to embody how I've been feeling about myself lately.  A monochrome, pasty, round-headed, not-so-happy, not at all fit, lazy, leaky, bulbous, disgusting lump of flesh.

I know it's all in my head, but when I go from running 3-5 miles at least 3 times a week to barely being able to walk 2 miles is just unacceptable to me.  I go to bed at 9pm.  On purpose.  And I'm lucky if I make it that long.  And I don't like looking in the mirror or seeing my shadow and seeing a round top.  I was okay with losing my hair, but I'd like it back now.  It's been long enough.  Don't tell me I'm going to be like this for months and months to come because I don't want to accept it.  I want to go back to pre-2014 me.  Well, minus the cancer cells.  Let's just travel back in time to before the cancer mysteriously appeared and lob off the left breast, get it reconstructed, and move on without any of this chemo shit. M'kay?

Can I just be done now?  

Oh, don't worry about me, I'll get over it I'm sure.  I'm not spinning into a depressed state, I'm just having my typical not-so-good-mood Monday after chemo.  

Get On Up

Uff!  That odd feeling in my lower back/hip/tailbone area is back today for some reason.  (It came with the fatigue before.)  The best way for me to combat it is to get up and walk around for a while, but this is difficult to do while I'm at work.  Sure, I can walk around the resort, but that really doesn't take long.  I can stand at my desk, but my back gets sore from having to bend over all the time.  This is when warmer weather would be nice - I could always just take a quick walk around the property.  Unfortunately this is the time of year when what's left of winter tries to cling to life and pops up in-between 50 degree days.  It's currently 30 degrees out there right now.  Uh, no.

Guess I'll just have to deal with it another couple of hours before I'm free.

Overactive Tear Ducts

One of the much lesser-known side effects of chemo is watering eyes.  I suppose it's lesser-known because it's really nowhere a dramatic as hair loss or vomiting, but it really is pain in the butt.

As I walk through the hallways at work, my eyes feel like they're being attacked by 50 mph winds and water begins streaming out of them, so I have to look down at the ground as I walk to try to combat this.  I'll look up for a quick glance to say hello to someone then go right back to looking down at the floor again.  It looks like I'm back in junior high when I didn't want to make eye contact with anyone...and that I'm constantly crying.

The only way I can see myself being able to walk with my head held high for the next few months is to start wearing outfits with goggles, so I not only have to accessorize my head, but also my protective eyewear.

Anyone up for a lovely ride in my motor car?

It Was A Bad Day

One thing I keep hearing over and over again is You're gonna have ups and downs through this whole process.  Well, ladies and gents, yesterday I felt like I was in the Mariana Trench.

After my three day stint in bed with a nasty sinus cold (which I came to find out half of our office had at the same time as I did and were out sick as well), I went back to work on Wednesday still a tad drained, but pretty much okay.  Thursday morning came and I was a little tired, but all seemed well up until about 11:00 when WHAM!

No, no, no...more like this:

Suddenly all of my limbs felt like they had 50 lb weights attached to them and my brain went fuzzy.  I knew fatigue from chemo was going to start in sooner or later, but so abruptly and ferociously?  In a bit of a panic, I took to the internet for help, looking for any possible solutions or tips that might get me through the rest of the day.  The only things I kept finding were "We don't know why this happens" and "We don't have any solutions."  This was not what I wanted to hear - especially knowing that the fatigue is a cumulative side effect, meaning that it's going to get worse with every treatment.  Worse than this?  I was going to end up paralyzed!

I freaked out.  I think I actually had a bit of a panic attack.  All I wanted to do was run away into some quiet room all by myself and cry, but I couldn't because there is nowhere to hide at work and even if there was, I didn't think I'd have the energy to get there.  I got in touch with Chris and when he saw the words, "I just want to cry," he knew that I was not well.  I never want to cry.  He wanted me to talk to my boss so I could come home, to call the nurses at the clinic to find out if this was normal - all of which I wanted to do as well, but I couldn't right then because I knew as soon as I started talking, I'd start sobbing.  He was getting frustrated because he couldn't be there to help me, I was still...tired and freaking, so I ended up working up the strength to go into a bathroom stall and sobbing silently into some folded up toilet paper.  Yup - poetic, isn't it?

I finished there, went back to my office, and started taking deep breaths, hoping that nobody would walk in and see my bright red puffy eyes.  Inevitably, two people peeked in to see if I was okay.  No, no I was not.  The deep breaths commenced.  (Amazingly, with those deep breaths came a little less weight on my limbs.  Perhaps some of this was anxiety related?  Hmmm.)  I was finally able to call the clinic and leave a message for the nurses, though I don't think my head was quite right yet - phone numbers and sentence structure escaped me.  After that, I calmed down a little more.  I was still extremely tired, but the waves weren't washing over me quite the same way.

This kind of fatigue is hard to explain.  Limbs get extremely heavy.  Waves of....there's no way to explain it other than "not right"ness...wash over you - sometimes just in your core, sometimes in your lower body, sometimes everywhere.  This isn't a sleepy-tired kind of thing.  It's nothing a nap will cure.  It's pure body hell.  And sometimes the brain joins in too.  I like being able to move and I like my brain, so this whole thing is not something I'm accepting easily.

Anyway, as I started feeling a little better, I talked to my boss who was more than happy to let me go home if I wanted to (she's really been amazing through all of this), but I was seeing an improvement, so I wanted to wait to hear back from the nurses first.  This is what my husband would call being stubborn - this is what I would call wait and see.  About an hour later, I got a call back from the nurse.  She was pretty sure it was a combination of everything that put me in that fatigue predicament.  The cold, the staying in bed for 3 days*, the chemo, the fact that my counts were probably at their lowest point in the cycle starting that day...all of those things ganged up together and said, "You thought things were going so well?  Well, here's a big Fuck You!"  Okay, that's not how she said it, but you get the gist of it.  But because the counts should be going back up, so should my energy level.  Well, a bit anyway.  

*Other people at work who had the same cold were in bed for 4 days.  Even with a compromised immune system, my body can still kick some serious virus ass.

Because I saw a light at the end of the tunnel, my mood improved.  Yeah, I was still tired, but not paralyzed.  I opted to stay at work for the rest of the day.  With my mind on frustrating work things, I wasn't focused on my body. I don't think Chris was too thrilled with this decision, but it worked.   I stayed there the rest of the day, was pretty tired once I got home, but towards the end of the night I was feeling better.

Today was an improvement from yesterday.  At least I was prepared for what might come, and it kind of did.  Again, around 11:00, the weight started in on the limbs, but if I got up out of my chair and moved around a bit, it wasn't so bad.  I've been having a few more aches and pains from the shot this time around - those are a treat, but with a couple of Advil, they basically go away.  Again, once I got home, I started feeling better.  Not sure if it's the time of day or the surroundings.  I guess I'll figure that out this weekend.

So there you have it - my shitty day. Aren't you so glad I share? ;)

Heh heh heh.

I couldn't resist.

Time Out

I spent the past 3 days in bed. I've never done that before. I moved around more after my c-section than I did over these past days. My body and lovely compromised immune system decided to wallop me with a sinus cold when I was already going to be feeling low from my chemo treatment. I had to miss 2 days of work because of it. Lovely. Thanks to my wonderful husband for taking care of me though. I made it through.

Today I've left the confines of my bed and have ventured out into the world that is my living room. Even went outside a couple of times. Woohoo.

You'll have to forgive the shortness of this post, but my mind is kind of in a dark place today. Probably because of the past few days. I'm not feeling sunny or hopeful or funny, I'm angry and...is there a word for monumentally inconvenienced?

Anyway, I'll keep y'all from dealing with that and will sit here watching The Big Lebowski, trying to reconnect with my inner Dude.

Almost Like My Old Self

Let's be realistic here - though I'm basically fine, my life has changed dramatically since my diagnosis.  It's kind of been on hold.  Can't make any plans for the summer because we don't know when my surgery will be or if I'll have to have radiation and if so, how long that will last.  I'm not sure how I'll be feeling from day to day so we don't make any exciting plans in case we'd have to cancel them.  The trip we usually take to the Dells every year has been postponed indefinitely - possibly October, possibly next year.  My personality's changed a bit because I never feel quite right.  Be it the fact that I'm kind of meh or tired after chemo, or something in my mouth or throat hurts and I can't eat what I want to, or the fact that I'm self-conscious about how I look, getting the double-takes when I go out, having to accessorize my head, not feeling like an attractive female anymore.  All of these things are not big enough to really complain about, are only temporary, they come and go, but if it's not one thing, it's another - it's always something.  Until yesterday.

Yesterday we had our first glimpse of spring.  It was in the 50's outside.  It was sunny.  I was in a good mood having gotten plenty of sleep the previous few nights, my appetite was back to normal and I knew I had to get outside.  So, as soon as I got home from work, I put on my sports bra, my running clothes, donned a stocking cap (you couldn't even tell there wasn't any hair under there) and a lightweight jacket and went outside for a walk.  It felt so good to get my heart rate up again, I even jogged a bit. (Okay, the jog was only for four blocks when I used to go for 5 miles, but hey - it's a start, right?)  It was just me and the pavement and my music again and I loved it!  I was me again. When I got home, I started feeling a little stiff and I loved that too.  I miss those aches and pains from exercise.  I know, I'm insane, but it's true!

I was hoping to get out again today, but we seem to have freezing rain and snow on the way again.  Thank goodness the forecast gets warmer again after that - maybe I'll be able to gain a little more of myself back with the spring.  Cross your fingers :)

Sleep, Glorious Sleep

I would like to thank the makers of ZzzQuil for their awesome purple ambrosia of slumber.

After about a week of waking up in the middle of the night for one reason or another and sometimes staying awake for over an hour afterwards, I slept for 8 hours straight.  I feel like a new woman!  Well, not quite new - I'm still bald and cancery, but you get the idea.

I think ZzzQuil will be my new bed buddy.  Sorry, hubby.

Tiny Head

I've come to the conclusion that though my head is shaped nicely, it's very tiny.  I have a tiny head and a great big body with big, fat arms.  Exactly the opposite of this:

From Meet the Robinsons - not a bad movie.

This will have to be worked on.

Silver Linings

Okay, enough with feeling low.  Here are a few things that are good about my situation:

• I don't have to shave.  
• No money spent on haircuts or hair product for months and months
• Shorter showers = less water usage
• I no longer have to move out of my office.  They took pity on me and made someone else move.
• I can eat all the carbs I want without feeling guilty.  Well, okay...I still feel guilty.
• I have a good excuse to stay away from people who are germy.
• I could nap if I wanted to without feeling guilty.  That is...if I wanted to.

Random 5

Now that my stubble is coming out in spots, I'm starting to look like this guy:

Which would be completely fine if I were in a cartoon and could bend the elements.  Alas, this is not the case and I am not amused.

How Does This Make Sense?

Now that the bills are starting to flow in, (and I do mean a steady stream of bills), we're noticing the difference in costs between health care providers.  I started at Mercy, was referred to Froedtert & Medical College of WI, and now my regular treatments are through Aurora (Vince Lombardi Cancer Clinic to be exact - Go Pack!).  

The best way to show this difference is with these illustrated examples.  

The day after Christmas, I went to Mercy for biopsies on the three masses that they found in my left breast.  There were three people in the room with me: the radiologist and two ultrasound techs.  There was no major anesthesia, only local numbing shots.  The ultrasound was used to help the radiologist guide the biopsy needle to get 10 total samples.  I had a couple of band-aids slapped on me when they were done, and was sent on my way along with a massive bruise that stayed with me for a month.  After getting the medical statement (you know - "This is not a bill"), we found out that Mercy charged $11,000.00 for this procedure.  Yes, that number again is eleven thousand dollars.  The craptastic insurance plan I had last year is probably going to cover half of that.

$11,000.00 worth of bruising
(Ack! Sideboob!)

Fast-forward to the beginning of February when I had my Power Port placed.  This procedure was done at  Aurora by a surgeon as I was under heavy sedation, so I had the surgeon, the anesthesiologist, and three nurses in the room along with an ultrasound tech.  The surgeon used the ultrasound and X-ray to insert the port under my skin and connect the line into the main artery in my neck.  It was an outpatient procedure and once they double-checked the placement and made sure I didn't have any odd side effects from the happy juice, they sent me on my way with super glue over my stitches.  I was swollen and bruised for a couple of days.  We've received the medical statement for this procedure and the total came out to be just shy of $6,000.00.  Yes, that's half the cost of the biopsies.  Not sure how much of that the new insurance plan is going to cover yet.

$6,000.00 stitches and swelling

Is it just me, or does the biopsy seem just a smidge overpriced?  And to top it all off, because it was done last year, I get to add that lovely amount to this year's out of pocket costs which will leave us owing around $11,500.00 total, not including anything that I might have to add to that next year, or the year after that, or the year after that, etc.  No wonder people go bankrupt due to medical bills.  How does getting poked with a turkey injector needle 10 times cost twice the amount of an outpatient surgical procedure?  Is it the norm or is it the difference in medical providers?  Hmmm...

Cycle of Blech

I had my second infusion on Thursday.  This time it's making me feel pretty blech.  I know, it's a terribly descriptive word, isn't it?  But it's the one word that really fits.  I'm not feeling terrible, but not feeling quite right.  I don't have a lot of energy, but sitting around is driving me crazy.  I keep getting headaches both from the anti-nausea meds that they gave me that are wearing off and also because of the stubble on my head pulling against my extremely sensitive scalp.  I'm hungry, but I'm not hungry.  I'm thirsty, but not that thirsty.  I want to get out, but I'm afraid I'll feel worse once I go.  I'm just.....meh.

I know that there are a few outside factors that are promoting this "meh"ness.  First of all, my body decided it's that time of the month, so let's throw that in there too.  Yay.  (I know - you really wanted to know that, but it really plays a factor.)  

Secondly.  This weather.  This never-ending winter shit.  Oh, it looks great outside right now - the sky is blue, the sun is shining, it's calling me to go out there, but it's all a ruse.  The temperature is one degree.  The wind chill is negative twelve.  Mother nature is a bitch this year and we're all trapped because of it.

So this awkwardness that I'm stuck in is giving me a bit of negativity that I really don't want.  It's just not me, but it's popping through.  Where I'd usually be thinking, "Yay, I'm halfway through this chemo course, then off to the next step!" I find myself thinking, "Ugh, only two treatments down, 14 more to go.  Who knows what those will bring.  And then the surgery, and then maybe radiation.  I'm so sick of this!"  It's so not me and I hate it and I'm kind of cranky and not very personable and I just want to be in a room alone for a couple of days and sort my shit out, but that's not a good thing either.

I'm hoping that being at work tomorrow will help.  I'll have other things to think about instead of just focusing on how I'm feeling.  I won't notice every little ache and sensation and I won't get paranoid and try to figure out what's going on in my body on a microscopic level.  I need to get back to going about my business with a smile on my face and start focusing on June when my chemo will be over.  Shit, that sounds like it's a million years away.  (See what I mean?!)

Headaches Suck

Yeah, that's all I've got right now. Big old headache. Way better than nausea but still sucky. Come on Advil...do your thing!